Anything triggers me these days. Hearing the word “brother”, cooking a pot of ground turkey, or just sitting and thinking! When I’m triggered the tears start to roll and then if I let go of my “tough woman” barriers I literally breakdown. It’s as if I’m reliving the moment I saw him laying in the open casket…lifeless. Where is his smile? Where is his warm embrace? I miss him! Why, God, couldn’t we have more time so I could make more memories and make the most of them! I regret the times I didn’t make an extra effort to go see you Mell. I am sad that I I couldn’t see you hold your son outside of pictures you text! I’m angry at myself that my kids didn’t know you more. Even though the little bit they did, your death has even broken their little hearts. 

When J and Izz wrote you a note and placed it in the casket, reality set in that you were gone! 

Back to my breakdowns…

In those moments I can barely stand. I feel as if every emotion I have ever felt is leaving my body all at once through my tears. They happen at least once a day. Never have I desired to be around others so much!  Having 3 children and homeschooling keeps me busy, but not busy enough that these moments don’t find their place. 

In my analytical mind I ask myself how in 4 years of meeting and knowing a person can you feel such a deep connection and be so broken from his death? Then I think that the blood that runs through my veins ran in his. My father was his father! We had a missing puzzle piece all our lives until 2011. In that moment my life made sense and we felt an instant love and connection! But now I feel my connection is lost? Or is it? God gave me a nephew that looks just like him! 

As you can tell I have lots on my and my words may be all over the place. I am trying to write more frequently, but I avoid it some days. 

And that is where I am. More to come

Ashley *I am present with who I am and where I stand*

I CAN…Take it one day at a time!