Sometimes in life things happen that knock the wind out of us and stop us right in our tracks. April 10, 2015 around 10 am was this moment for me. I am normally not a huge crier. It takes me a while to process all of my emotions before the tears flow, but this day…not so. Hubby called me while I was on the way to a bank 1hr away to open up my business bank account. (They charge no monthly fees that’s why the 1hr drive was worth it) 

Any way He called and said I need you to turn around and send me a really important file. I told him his urgent wasn’t mine and I was on a mission. I wasn’t going to turn around until he bribed me with $$. I get home and maybe 5 minutes later Felix walked in the door…scared me up a wall because he was supposed to be at work!! He runs upstairs and asks me to sit down. I didn’t know what to think. He proceeds slowly and finally tells me my brother Mell was shot and murdered! I instantly felt like someone punched me in the gut. Instantly out poured the pain and the tears. I am usually a silent crier. But  that day the pain was so deep I cried like a child. How could this be? Was this a dream? Was all that was running through my mind!

Have you ever been in a place where you feel so many emotions all at once, yet numb at the same time? That is how I felt then, and even now. I don’t understand why?? Why my brother? Why the only sibling link connected to my deceased biological father? Why couldn’t we grow old together? Our children be the best cousins? Why does my 4 month old nephew have to grow up without his biological father like Mell And I? These are just a few of my why questions! I am so glad I serve a God that hears my broken cry. He knows my heart, and collects all my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). I know he hears all these questions in my heart and mind. I may never get an answer to all my why’s but I must ask. I have to release all that is inside!! 

Some days seem like a fog, but I am making sure to remain present in my emotion and with those I love around me. Every moment is precious and sacred, even the not so good. People ask me how I am feeling or doing and all I can answer is “I just am”. 

I will continue to blog and write until it’s all off my chest…so stay tuned. 

I CAN…Grieve 

I CAN…Be present 

I CAN…Find peace in the midst